Three's a Crowd.

Sometimes I feel there are three very different and very distinct sides to my personality. Triplet alter-egos who each adapt and thrive in totally different environments.

There's the side of me that's dedicated to work. "Work hard and shine," is my philosophy in a nutshell. I like to work, and I'm competitive enough to always want to succeed at whatever it is I'm doing. I honestly love spending long hours at the office, partly because I love what I do, partly because it fulfills me, and partly because, I'll be honest, I like to be seen as a hard worker. I value tenacity and a strong work ethic in myself and my peers, so to be seen as such is one of my most fulfilling purposes.

Then there's my "mom" side, which provides me the single most happy moments in life. Being with my daughter makes me realize why being a mom is a job - and the one I want to succeed most in. I value everything about her and our relationship and take my responsibilities very seriously. I want to teach her everything, I want to help her grow into the best person she can be, and I always want her to feel secure and loved.

Then there's the side of my personality that seems at odds with these two personas: my "party girl" side that seems firmly, stubbornly, rooted in my 20s. The side of me that made my best friend declare: "When Mama parties, Mama parties."

The side of me who absolutely struts in sexy leather boots, who doesn't even have to be drinking to want to jump up on a bar and dance.... The one who convinces people to go topless while floating on a boat out at sea... Who practices at home to look like one of the go-go dancers I so admire. Vegas? Forget about it. I thrive more reveling in debauchery than the fated residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. I left my last trip about as guilty as the "What happens in Vegas" commercials (To the delight of my husband.) and find myself absent-mindedly fantasizing about our next trip.

For as withdrawn and introverted as I can be with people in professional situations, I am the complete opposite out on the town, which seems odd to me. Why can't a take a pinch of my outgoing self and give it to my other self? Be a little more well-rounded and social in professional situations, and quite a bit less shy? I question sometimes if this is a problem - these distinct and very strong sides, seemingly at odds with each other. Should I be more one than the other? Should I tone one down?

My major breakthrough was realizing that I'm always afraid in some way. I'm afraid of judgment. I'm afraid of not being successful. Or maybe what's more accurate; I'm afraid of not being perceived as successful or responsible by others. That allowing people to know the full me; strengths, faults, weaknesses, and full personality, will lead to pain somehow. That I'll somehow be taken advantage of.

Knowing that is probably half the battle, because the rational (and fearless) side says "So what if they don't like you? Let go and stop worrying so much."

But the harder part--the much harder part--is learning how to get over it.

And maybe growing up a little bit.

Getting off the Treadmill of Misery

"You're never going to be happy with someone if you can't be happy on your own," I told my friend. She was going through the approximately seventh (and supposedly final) break-up over the course of her two-year relationship and was, again, using me as a stand-in therapist.

I'd been listening to her wax philosophical about the reasons for the break-up, the traumas that prevent her from letting go and enjoying life; general "unresolved issues from childhood" with a daddy complex to boot. I may sound unsympathetic, but I'm not. I'm just kind of tired to listening to her complain because it's always the same: "I'm a victim, I'll always be a victim, and I'm never going to do anything to change it."

I know I've done the same annoying moaning and complaining when I've been through heartbreak, I've just never taken two tumultuous years and zero personal accountability to get over it. I lose my patience with people who aren't interested in improving themselves; the attitude that it's everyone else's fault and it's better to sit around feeling sorry for their selves than do something to change their lot in life.

It's not that I don't want to be there for my friend, and don't get me wrong, I have been. I've just been listening to the same old thing... over, and over, and over, and over, and nothing ever changes.

Sometimes I think people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Whether it's karma or fate or luck or destiny, there's always something to be learned from the situation, and always something better around the corner.

My optimism is deeply rooted in the fact that life has always continued to get better for me. Through the darkest, saddest, or scariest times in my life, I've always tried to keep the faith that I could get through it and come out stronger... Tougher... Smarter. And though there's been a battle to fight the fear of repeating past mistakes, I've finally realized that doesn't have to be the case for me. I can make my own life - and I can make it anything I want.

If I hadn't gotten rid of the negative people, negative situations, I never could have made way for better. Whether I knew it or not, something so much better was always coming my way - and fairly quickly. When I think about how scared I was to get divorced, to become a single mother, to change careers, to move across the ocean and start a new life... it's always been hard, and ultimately I've always come out ok. In fact, waaay more than ok.

Maybe I simply choose to live life thinking that way, I don't know. But in my friend's case, she's letting her past hurts disrupt her present and future - and is ready to bury herself in another guy just so she can ignore her loneliness, fears, and feelings of abandonment.

Yes, been there, done that. I know the feeling. But not having the self-identity to realize it shouldn't happen that way is another situation entirely.

"You shouldn't be afraid of being alone," I told my friend. "You shouldn't be afraid of anything." And it's true. But even I need a reminder to keep the faith from time to time.

Not my problem, but...

This morning I witnessed what may be the most depressing thing I've seen in a while.

Two people whom I know have already said their marriage is over, but are staying together for their child's sake, fighting a fight that was about nothing and everything. It deteriorated so quickly into an ugly scene of negativity and ominousness, I can't shake it. The saddest part to me, was when the wife said "Well at least you know the truth about this family."

No!! I just want to stick my head in the sand and pretend everything is fine! Like any argument, it wasn't about anything particularly important, but watching the dialogue digress into a mutual attack, followed by the assertion that they're only still together for one reason was just...sad doesn't begin to describe it for me.

I'm letting it affect me more than it should. I know that. It's not that I didn't know (secondhand) that they've got problems and whatever they decide to do doesn't affect me anyway. But witnessing it is an entirely different level, and, not something I ever wanted to see.

How do people get to this point? From "happy and in love" to living like two strangers who don't even seem to like each other?

I have enough fear of marriage tearing apart the insides of my brain, I don't want more. I don't want to see what can become when love dies. I don't want to think about it. I don't even want to know what that looks like.

I want to believe that it doesn't have to be this way: it's just that sometimes you never even see it coming. One day, sunshine and roses and the promise of tomorrow; the next, a bitter, abrupt end you never would have fathomed. No one foresees a bitter divorce on their wedding day...but if everyone starts out blissful in the beginning, how do so many end so badly?

I just want to cry, but it's not over them - it's for myself. For all the fears I can't shake and can't stop from taking hold. For the fact that I can't even give life a chance because I'm so paralyzed by the scenarios running through my imagination. For the fact that this isn't fair to my husband...and not knowing how to change it...

Tonight, the only thing I can do:
I'm saying a prayer and going to bed.