The feeling of knowing I'm about to consciously change my life's direction has empowered me with a devil-may-care, like-it-or-fuck-off kind of attitude.
Suddenly now that I know what I'm going to do and the pieces are falling into place, I just want to leap forward and make it so. My all-consuming thought lately has been about working for myself. I'm just so ready.
I'm going to work for myself.
I'm going to homeschool my daughter.
I'm going to pursue my artistic interests and creativity.
And I'm going to be damn successful.
Why, I wondered, should I let something as relatively minor as health insurance stand in the way? I'll just manifest the income or the opportunity. Have I not proven to myself over and over that life takes the shape of whatever I put my mind to? I'm so passionately certain it's not a problem, I'm not going to let anything hold me back from achieving success on my own.
I don't need a company, and when I think about it, no company needs ME. Maybe it's generational, or maybe it's the reality of watching so many good people get laid off these past few years, but I'm pretty sure anyone's expendable these days.
And, do I really want to work in an office when I could be doing the exact same thing for myself? There are so many ways to make money, and so many ideas I want to pursue.
If I wanted to go for a morning run, answer emails in my pajamas, or sit and type all day in a coffee shop, there's no one but myself to stop me. That kind of freedom is beautiful. I struggle to see a real downside to the plan, minus the obvious: a steady paycheck and employer-sponsored benefits. But if people before me have done it, why would I hold myself back from doing it too? The rewards (financial and otherwise) stand to be a lot greater.
I heard a quote this weekend, that only the most successful people take risks. Well, I'm stepping up to the line and declaring it: I'm ready to be one of those people. I'm so ready to go. So ready to make it happen.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Meanwhile, on the work front
Lately I am absolutely addicted to the idea of working for myself.
It may have started with the idea that Hubby has a pretty sweet set-up. Working a fraction of the amount of hours for at least the same amount of pay? Yeah, he puts in late nights sometimes on projects, but I could do that too if it meant being my own boss and staying home with my bebes.
The thing that has held me back for so long from breaking free and doing my own thing is the worry about giving up stability: health insurance, a steady paycheck, 401k, etc..... But when I really think about it, surely health insurance can't be that hard to obtain; and even if I didn't know when or where my next project was coming from, I have the faith that it will. I feel like if I really threw my heart and soul into making it successful, it would be.
Top benefits in addition to being my own boss and making my own hours:
I'd get to stay home with my daughter and homeschool like I've always wanted to, PLUS, it leaves me free and open for new babies so I can be a stay-at-home mom......I want babies sooooo baaaaaaaddddddd.....
Every day I've been playing just a little bit more with the idea of putting in my notice to work. I'm thinking a nice long nine-month lead time is a perfect amount, given I could finish out the year and all our 2011/2012 projects...and plan a nine-month lead time for anything, or anyone, that should pop up.
It may have started with the idea that Hubby has a pretty sweet set-up. Working a fraction of the amount of hours for at least the same amount of pay? Yeah, he puts in late nights sometimes on projects, but I could do that too if it meant being my own boss and staying home with my bebes.
The thing that has held me back for so long from breaking free and doing my own thing is the worry about giving up stability: health insurance, a steady paycheck, 401k, etc..... But when I really think about it, surely health insurance can't be that hard to obtain; and even if I didn't know when or where my next project was coming from, I have the faith that it will. I feel like if I really threw my heart and soul into making it successful, it would be.
Top benefits in addition to being my own boss and making my own hours:
I'd get to stay home with my daughter and homeschool like I've always wanted to, PLUS, it leaves me free and open for new babies so I can be a stay-at-home mom......I want babies sooooo baaaaaaaddddddd.....
Every day I've been playing just a little bit more with the idea of putting in my notice to work. I'm thinking a nice long nine-month lead time is a perfect amount, given I could finish out the year and all our 2011/2012 projects...and plan a nine-month lead time for anything, or anyone, that should pop up.
Today's Sick Day
So my stomach hurts worse than a Haitian with cholera. And I don't say that lightly. I empathize completely.
I called in sick today, given that I had a slight fever, body aches and chills, on top of a--shall we say--too intimate a relationship with the ladies room.
But, being that I hate staying indoors unless I absolutely have to, I decided to suck it up; take an Immodium, and hope for the best. I dropped Lil Miss off at her first day of her new preschool class and head to Starbucks to get some work done.
I headed to Kahala Mall in search of both an Apple Store and free WiFi, and am currently sucking on a soy-decaf-mocha-frappuccino-thai-coffee-blended thing and hoping it doesn't wage war with my fragile digestive system.
I found my midday journey to the mall so entertaining that I decided to chronicle it all with a photo narrative. (That, and I want to play around with the functionality on my brand new MacBook.) More to come when I actually get a connection cable to synch it up.
I called in sick today, given that I had a slight fever, body aches and chills, on top of a--shall we say--too intimate a relationship with the ladies room.
But, being that I hate staying indoors unless I absolutely have to, I decided to suck it up; take an Immodium, and hope for the best. I dropped Lil Miss off at her first day of her new preschool class and head to Starbucks to get some work done.
I headed to Kahala Mall in search of both an Apple Store and free WiFi, and am currently sucking on a soy-decaf-mocha-frappuccino-thai-coffee-blended thing and hoping it doesn't wage war with my fragile digestive system.
I found my midday journey to the mall so entertaining that I decided to chronicle it all with a photo narrative. (That, and I want to play around with the functionality on my brand new MacBook.) More to come when I actually get a connection cable to synch it up.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
30 Days of Lists begin... now.
The List: A few things about yourself
So there's a group online now called 30 Days of Lists. 30 days, 30 different topics. And, in an effort to analyze and potentially over-share, I'm jumping right in. Today it seems like the right thing to set me straight.
Day 1: A few things about yourself
Day 1: A few things about yourself
- I'm not good at being on time
- I love being a mom
- I drink at least a cup of tea a day
- I rarely wear much jewelry
- I'm fascinated by world religions
- When it comes to emotional intimacy, I'm extremely insecure
- I like to work
- I always think of businesses or ideas I'd like to start
- I love riding motorcycles, but I'm too scared now that I have a child
- I like to argue - if it's a matter of principle
- Dancing makes me happy!
On the cosmic scale, I'm losing big-time.
So today I lost my dog, a $3000 check, and pretty much my mind. Each is still outstanding, leading me to wonder what's going on this week and if these are the bad things that euphemistically happen in threes, or if there's some more phenomenally bad karma coming my way.
It kinda started yesterday with a workday so stressful, I had a headache and developed spasms in my back from what was probably the tensed muscles. It was a day in which I briefly considered shutting my office door to cry, only to realize that taking a couple minutes to do that was a couple minutes taken away from the insane pile of work in front of me. (Plus, the red eyes would have given me away.)
Deep breaths...positive self-pep talk...one thing at a time...made it through the day, and on to a martini, a run, and cuddles with the kiddo and husband.
I just feel exhausted, burned out and overwhelmed right now, and the fact that my dog and my money is floating through the streets right now is too much to bear. The check has been canceled, but extenuating circumstances dictate that I won't get another until Saturday. My dog, on the other hand, is another story.
Much like the check that--in the short distance from my car to my front door--disappeared from the pile of papers in my hand, the dog pulled the same sudden vanishing act. Ironically, while I was on the same fruitless search of my yard, my car, and the streets surrounding my house.
I suspect there's a parallel between this and the perceived loss of control of my environment and emotions lately, but the real question is: How to get back on track? Because I really don't think I can take much more.
It kinda started yesterday with a workday so stressful, I had a headache and developed spasms in my back from what was probably the tensed muscles. It was a day in which I briefly considered shutting my office door to cry, only to realize that taking a couple minutes to do that was a couple minutes taken away from the insane pile of work in front of me. (Plus, the red eyes would have given me away.)
Deep breaths...positive self-pep talk...one thing at a time...made it through the day, and on to a martini, a run, and cuddles with the kiddo and husband.
I just feel exhausted, burned out and overwhelmed right now, and the fact that my dog and my money is floating through the streets right now is too much to bear. The check has been canceled, but extenuating circumstances dictate that I won't get another until Saturday. My dog, on the other hand, is another story.
Much like the check that--in the short distance from my car to my front door--disappeared from the pile of papers in my hand, the dog pulled the same sudden vanishing act. Ironically, while I was on the same fruitless search of my yard, my car, and the streets surrounding my house.
I suspect there's a parallel between this and the perceived loss of control of my environment and emotions lately, but the real question is: How to get back on track? Because I really don't think I can take much more.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wish it I had it as easy as a chicken.
This post might as well be titled "Adventures in Fertility, Phase 2" because I feel like I just plunged headfirst into a whole new level.
I arrived at the doctor simply looking for confirmation via ultrasound that the fertility drugs had gotten my body prepped and ready for the (other) "big O," only to get the news that they were going to give me an injection to make sure I actually release the egg.
My stomach churned at the idea, but I'd come this far, I knew it could help, and well, I wasn't going to say no. And while shooting a needle straight into my stomach wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined, it was still an unpleasantry for someone like me who faints at the very thought of such a concept. And, something I hope not to repeat.
I'm now on the "36-hour Ovulation Watch" which, while convenient, really takes the surprise out of it. Yes, I suppose that's the idea, but it kind of blows my mind that they can actually do that.
I left the doctor's office with a big smile on my face and the promise of babies running through my head.
"Mark your calendar," I told my husband. "We're getting a sitter." It's on.
My expectations, despite knowing better, are sky-high and optimistic. Sure I've been counting on this for, let's see, god, almost two years now, but I've got modern medicine firmly on my side--odds must be good this time. Surely this will work, right? ...Right?
Meanwhile, my 4-year old, who has absorbed more than her fair share of ovulation talk, ultrasounds and readings aloud from "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," is now on the junior path to fertility specialist. She's fascinated by the reproductive charts on the wall of my doctor's office and can trace the path from ovary to uterus, if only in concept.
The funniest part is how she's deduced that a human egg must be similar to a chicken, and commented, "When you lay an egg, I hope it's a girl."
I arrived at the doctor simply looking for confirmation via ultrasound that the fertility drugs had gotten my body prepped and ready for the (other) "big O," only to get the news that they were going to give me an injection to make sure I actually release the egg.
My stomach churned at the idea, but I'd come this far, I knew it could help, and well, I wasn't going to say no. And while shooting a needle straight into my stomach wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined, it was still an unpleasantry for someone like me who faints at the very thought of such a concept. And, something I hope not to repeat.
I'm now on the "36-hour Ovulation Watch" which, while convenient, really takes the surprise out of it. Yes, I suppose that's the idea, but it kind of blows my mind that they can actually do that.
I left the doctor's office with a big smile on my face and the promise of babies running through my head.
"Mark your calendar," I told my husband. "We're getting a sitter." It's on.
My expectations, despite knowing better, are sky-high and optimistic. Sure I've been counting on this for, let's see, god, almost two years now, but I've got modern medicine firmly on my side--odds must be good this time. Surely this will work, right? ...Right?
Meanwhile, my 4-year old, who has absorbed more than her fair share of ovulation talk, ultrasounds and readings aloud from "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," is now on the junior path to fertility specialist. She's fascinated by the reproductive charts on the wall of my doctor's office and can trace the path from ovary to uterus, if only in concept.
The funniest part is how she's deduced that a human egg must be similar to a chicken, and commented, "When you lay an egg, I hope it's a girl."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
New year, new me
I'm not sure how or when I became so antisocial, but I really started to notice it after a period in which my three best friends all moved away, one friend (mentioned in previous blog) got crazy on me, and another moved to the other side of the island. Suddenly there was no one I could automatically call, no one I could expect to see on the weekend, no one to make spontaneous plans with.
My life, which had seemed so full and rich with happiness suddenly seemed devoid of friendship. I started to reassess.
My job makes it difficult to find new friends or hang out with people because the vast majority of my waking hours are spent there. That may be why I've been hanging out with essentially the same crew for the good part of the last decade.
As I started contemplating the idea of trolling for new friends, it also became apparent to me that while most people at least socialize occasionally with their coworkers, I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to lunch with other people in the nearly three years at my company.
I'm not sure how I became so protectionist and closed-off, but I suspect it has to do with a combination of factors: that the other people in comparable professional positions have at least 15 years on me, and because the only people my age are in different departments or lowly coordinator roles. No to be a snob, I just don't know how that would work to be managing people I socialize with.
Then there's the fact that I've been burned more than once by people who used me or lied to me to get ahead (or get in good) at work. Talk about a blow.
Although I know most people aren't so devious, I'm not quick to make the same mistake when it comes to people in an office environment.
But after a whole lot of soul-searching and a whole lot of what has lately amounted to loneliness, I've decided maybe it's time to give it a try, if only out of necessity. What would happen if the few good friends I have left or moved away too?
So here I am one month into the new year with a resolution to make an attempt to find (real) new friends.
I'm happy to say, so far, so good. I've eaten lunch with more people in the last month than in the last year. I've struck up conversations with parents on the playground. I've gone out of my way to talk to new people, and I've made a habit to introduce myself to neighbors on the block. I'm even going to great lengths to strike up new conversations with people on Twitter, as banal and antisocial as that sounds. At least, I figure, I'm talking to people. That's gotta get the wheels turning.
Its weird to be in this position and I struggle to fight the urge to clam up and keep to myself as I usually do, but I ask myself: what's the worst that can happen by putting myself out there? I'm older, I'm wiser, and if someone tries to stab me in the back again, I hope the overall benefits of my new resolution outweigh the risks.
It feels funny to act like "the new kid" all of the sudden, but the fulfillment I'm getting is, so far, worth it. Here's to keeping it up.
My life, which had seemed so full and rich with happiness suddenly seemed devoid of friendship. I started to reassess.
My job makes it difficult to find new friends or hang out with people because the vast majority of my waking hours are spent there. That may be why I've been hanging out with essentially the same crew for the good part of the last decade.
As I started contemplating the idea of trolling for new friends, it also became apparent to me that while most people at least socialize occasionally with their coworkers, I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to lunch with other people in the nearly three years at my company.
I'm not sure how I became so protectionist and closed-off, but I suspect it has to do with a combination of factors: that the other people in comparable professional positions have at least 15 years on me, and because the only people my age are in different departments or lowly coordinator roles. No to be a snob, I just don't know how that would work to be managing people I socialize with.
Then there's the fact that I've been burned more than once by people who used me or lied to me to get ahead (or get in good) at work. Talk about a blow.
Although I know most people aren't so devious, I'm not quick to make the same mistake when it comes to people in an office environment.
But after a whole lot of soul-searching and a whole lot of what has lately amounted to loneliness, I've decided maybe it's time to give it a try, if only out of necessity. What would happen if the few good friends I have left or moved away too?
So here I am one month into the new year with a resolution to make an attempt to find (real) new friends.
I'm happy to say, so far, so good. I've eaten lunch with more people in the last month than in the last year. I've struck up conversations with parents on the playground. I've gone out of my way to talk to new people, and I've made a habit to introduce myself to neighbors on the block. I'm even going to great lengths to strike up new conversations with people on Twitter, as banal and antisocial as that sounds. At least, I figure, I'm talking to people. That's gotta get the wheels turning.
Its weird to be in this position and I struggle to fight the urge to clam up and keep to myself as I usually do, but I ask myself: what's the worst that can happen by putting myself out there? I'm older, I'm wiser, and if someone tries to stab me in the back again, I hope the overall benefits of my new resolution outweigh the risks.
It feels funny to act like "the new kid" all of the sudden, but the fulfillment I'm getting is, so far, worth it. Here's to keeping it up.
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